Weight loss should make us feel positive right? After all, we are going to look better, so we should feel better right? Well, not always. How we feel is inexorably linked to what we do. In this sense, what we do is often a much more clear indicator of how we feel than what we say. While we may say we feel fine, what we do may not indicate that we feel fine. For example, we may show up at our jobs, proceed to live a "normal" life, appear happy, and then go home and to binge eat. Do we really feel fine? On the surface, maybe, but what lies underneath? How do we really feel about the things we do that we do not share with others? When we do these things, how do we feel about ourselves? How do we think those around us would respond if they knew the truth about the things we do?
Thinking about questions such as these can be overwhelming as, often, the tendency to avoid shameful emotions has kept many of our behaviors out of the realm of conscious experience. What this means is that we do these things unconsciously, without really registering an emotional reaction to them. Yet the shame we feel about these things that we do continues to affect us, often causing us to continue these behaviors. In a vicious cycle, we act in one shameful way after another, all the while perpetuating our sense of shame and keeping it out of our awareness. For example, let's say that you have a secret that no one knows about you, and this secret is kept even from your husband. While you may not ever allow yourself to think about how this secrecy between the two of you affects you, and further, what he might think of you, when you do begin to think about it, the feeling becomes overwhelming. Not coincidently, a few years into the marriage, you also find yourself sneaking food, and overeating when he is not around. These shameful acts represent the way that you feel about the original secret. They also create more shame as you now have two secrets to hide from your husband. As this cycle unfolds, the shameful behaviors can create a contagion around us, making us feel like a shameful person.
This explains why binge eating can be so difficult to treat. The sense of shame the binge eater feels both remains under the surface of her awareness, and becomes a part of her identity, incorporating itself into other behaviors. The more this happens, the more the person feels and identifies as a shameful person. She may begin to see herself like other shameful people, who do not deserve to be treated well, cared for, or consequently, treat others well. Shameful people do not treat themselves well, but they also do not treat other people well. As the sense of shame becomes more powerful, the person may have trouble trusting care, but also behaving in ways that demonstrate care for others. At the root of this is a person who does not believe that she deserves to be treated well, by herself, or others.
Clearly, what remains under the surface cannot be treated. Overcoming shame then, depends on the ability to bring all of these behaviors into our conscious awareness. Essentially, we have to take out our emotional trash, and in doing so, become open about the things that we are shameful of. We will need to find one trusting person, such a counselor or therapist, to disclose the things we feel shameful about. The reason we may want to consider a therapist over, say a friend or family member is because it is the therapist's responsibility to be objective, whereas our friends and family members do not have this responsibility. What this means is that we may fear their reaction much more, be more tied to it, and also may not receive a balanced response from them as it is colored by their own subjective feelings toward us. Choosing your mother for example may not be the best choice if she has her own psychological issues, such as a need to see her daughter as perfect. Therefore when you disclose what you are shameful about she may be overly critical, judgmental, or demeaning. As you may imagine, this response is not going to alleviate any sense of shame, and in fact, may increase it. However, when you can discuss what you feel shameful about and receive an objective response, a different thing happens: your shame loses power over you. These shameful things lose power over you, as they no longer exist under the surface of your awareness. What this means is that they lose their contagious ability to affect other behaviors, thereby halting the vicious cycle of your behavior acting out your unconscious material. Additionally, you will be aware of all of the things that make you feel shameful, meaning that you now have the power to change them. Not only will you feel more accepted by yourself and those around you, but also, less likely to binge eat.
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