Categories: Children's Health
What's happening now: In middle school -- sixth through eighth grade -- kids are starting to go through puberty, and the physical changes can make them feel like they're not in control of their bodies.
"It's a very complicated time physically, socially and emotionally," says Vicki Panaccione, a licensed psychologist and founder of the Better Parenting Institute in Melbourne, Fla. During this difficult age and stage, their sense of self is also developing. "There's a lot of exclusion in middle school," says Pacaccione. Cliques can provide a safe haven as kids try to figure themselves out.
Success Rx
Expect turmoil. The mood swings and overreactions, such total hysteria over whether a boy or girl looked at your child or not in the hallway, are a normal part of this phase of development. "Don't take it personally. Just understand that your child is going through a lot," says Panaccione. Be supportive but don't minimize the problem or try to fix it.
"Middle schoolers don't want you to solve anything," Panaccione says. Instead, use phrases like: "I'm sorry you feel that way" or "Gosh, that must have been embarrassing for you," rather than, "Just ignore it" or "Just get over it. It's not a big deal." It is to your child. Comments like that don't help and can be harmful. "They can push your child away because she'll feel like you just don't get it," she says.
Don't be too concerned if your child starts to hang with the wrong crowd. "As kids develop and decide who they want to be, they also need to decide who they don't want to be," says Seltzer. They may try various cliques, including one that's not your favorite, to see what feels right. All kids have friends their parents don't like. But kids are good self-barometers. "Don't butt in unless you think their friends are dangerous," Seltzer cautions.
Empathize academically, too. In middle school, the workload gets more difficult because kids have to meet the demands of up to seven different teachers instead of one. "It's a big challenge, but the best thing you can do is allow your child to vent without buying in," says Panaccione. If your child complains that one of his teachers gives too much homework, for example, you might say, "Well, what do you think you might need to do, given that he gives lots of homework?" rather than "He's only trying to teach you." The idea is to help your child solve the problem, find his own way and keep the lines of communication open so your child will continue to feel comfortable talking to you about even bigger problems that might come his way.
What's happening now: In middle school, kids are growing into themselves. By high school, they're forging their identity academically, socially, morally, sexually and spiritually while trying to figure out who they are apart from you.
"High schoolers question everything and may even rebel against your opinions and beliefs," says Panaccione. If you're a Democrat, your child might say he's a Republican. If you're a meat-and-potatoes family, she'll become a vegan. You get the idea.
Success Rx
Keep talking. Allow your child to question your opinions and values and express himself. Ask questions such as, "Oh, why do you think so?" rather than lecturing or yelling. "It's a great time to find out who your kids really are," Panaccione says.
Take note of dramatic changes. It's normal for high schoolers to be just as moody as middle schoolers. But if your teen shows a drastic change in personality or behavior; a significant drop in grades, study habits or attitude; or a dramatic shift in appearance, dress, grooming, interests, goals or activities, know that something's up.
"Talk to your teen about your concerns," says Panaccione -- not with "What's wrong?" but "I'm concerned that you're spending time in bed when you used to be out with your friends." Then listen to what your child has to say. If the behaviors are a sign of rebelling against a lack of freedom or privilege, be open to discussing and compromising. If you're concerned that your child may be suffering from depression or another mental health disorder, seek professional help. "Your child's primary care provider or the school guidance counselor is a good resource for getting referrals to qualified child/teen psychologists in your area," Panaccione says.
Help your child deal with college pressure. By the eleventh grade, college pressure comes on strong. Start talking college now only if your child is ready. "Some kids are very focused. But most have no idea what they want to do or major in," Panaccione says. To reduce anxiety, Panaccione tells her high school patients that they don't have to know what they want to do going into college. That's where they'll figure it out, which is something you could say at home, too. Also, listen to your child's wishes for college rather than pushing your agenda. "To be successful, kids should end up going to a college that's right for them," she says.
College: Freedom!
What's happening now: College is the first time many kids function independently without their parents or the structure of a family. "A big issue that comes up is self-regulation," says Dr. Joshua Kellman, a child and adolescent psychiatrist at the University of Chicago. Kids who don't have strong self-regulatory skills can get into trouble with alcohol, drugs, food and promiscuity because they're persuasive and available on college campuses. Children may also cut classes and not study.
Success Rx
Work on self-regulation. If your child isn't in college yet, try to help him be more independent. "No matter how old your kids are, challenge them to learn new skills but not so much that they feel overwhelmed," Kellman says. In high school, for example, let them take charge of their homework, be in charge of their own money and other responsibilities, such as doing their own laundry, keeping their room clean and making meals. Self-regulation comes with lots of practice. If your child is already in college and having problems with self-regulation, suggest psychotherapy to help her figure out how to structure herself and organize her time.
Foster your child's burgeoning autonomy. Most freshman show up at college thinking, "I live at home, and at this moment, I'm at college." But by the time they're seniors and ready to graduate, it's, "I live here, and sometimes I visit home." Still, joining the real world can be terrifying. "Kids don't always want to be autonomous, even though they might act like they do," says Kellman. To boost their confidence, it's helpful to say things like, "Well, you'll always be my son or daughter." "Kids feel reassured when they know 'the nest' will always be there," Kellman says.
Don't panic if your child has picked a seemingly dead-end major. College is about conceptualizing the future and figuring out what you want to be when you grow up. If your child has picked a major you don't think will ever lead to making money, go ahead and articulate your concerns. "But you can't do much more than that without trying to control your child and undermine her autonomous development," Kellman says. That could cause her to rebel and your efforts to backfire. "A rebelling kid isn't owning his future," he says. Your best bet? "Embrace your child's autonomy and have confidence that she'll figure it out
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